May 15-17. London

Wednesday May 15 through Friday May 17 and Saturday morning May 18. London and the end of the Freud tour. 

Dear Trail Friends

I am sitting in our cabin in the Lake District keenly aware that I have dropped the blogging ball. This makes me think of Lynne Downing (widow of George Downing, who was Chris’s husband and father of her five children. Lynne has been a dear friend and family member to us and came along with her daughter Jennifer on the Freud trip). When I asked Lynne about her younger daughter Susan, she described Susan as having “bounce.” That’s what I need right now: bounce. (Its a much more visceral word than resilience. I love it.)

Not too surprisingly, after my nightlong blogging binge I fell into a bit of a black hole. I wouldn’t usually diagnose myself as bipolar, but my mood (and probably brain chemistry) sure followed that pattern. A great manic night followed by a major funk. 

Judy suggests that I don’t want to write this blog because I don’t want to face the fact that the tour is over. She might be right. In Chris’s final lecture (Wednesday night in London), she spoke about how Freud’s theory evolved in the final years of his life - years in which he was in great physical pain and the political world was moving toward World War II (Hitler became chancellor in January 1933, Austria was annexed by the Nazis in March 1938, Freud left Vienna for London in June of that year. Freud died in September 1939, shortly after the outbreak of the war). She mentioned how Jung had wanted Freud to use the word Eros rather sex, but that Freud insisted on sex in order to emphasize the body-soul connection and the child-adult continuity. As he began to deal with death more and more (after the death of his daughter in 1920 and his grandson in 1923, and his own cancer diagnosis in 1923), he shifted to the word Eros. 

I so want to write about Eros and Death - the pull to the unknown, the other, to discovery and meeting vs the pull to harmony, completion, relief from all tension - in a way that honors Freud and brings to life Chris’s lecture. Fortunately, tour mates Ben and Renee and Kiki have been collaborating to tape Chris’s lectures and to bring to life her imagination (as they imagine it!) through acted scenes, puppet shows, dance segments and all kinds of creative expressions I can’t begin to imagine.) So I don’t have to rely on my blog to do that. I feel a deep sigh (the sigh is death wish, I find myself thinking. It is relief from tension). 

One of the points Chris made was that Eros is not “good” and Death “bad” in Freud’s thinking.  Both are essential parts of our being.  On the one hand, Eros is the creative urge, moves forward toward life and engagement. On the other hand, Freud saw a fundamental task in life to be to reconcile ourselves to death. 

I found myself picturing Eros and Death as two people struggling with each other. Chris spoke of how inextricably linked they were. When I was walking the next day (Thursday) in London I saw a sculpture titled Brothers. The brothers seemed to be struggling with and against each other, but their heads seemed merged (Photo 1 - found on internet).  

They look pretty antagonist to me, but the sculptor David Breuer Weil says “I want the viewer to see the arch from underneath, to look upwards at this moment of communication because such a connection is a form of hope that we can be understood by ourselves or another person. The image is a physical embodiment of the joining of minds.”

In any case, they (along with Chris’s  lecture, Judy’s drawing of the prankster, and the memory of our hotel room decorated with the carnival theme) inspired my drawing Thursday. 

Judy’s drawing Thursday was inspired by a wood carving she saw walking through London with my friend Nancy. My longtime friend Nancy just happened to be in London at the same time we were and staying at the same hotel. I had imagined spending some of my free time with her, not knowing I would stay up all night Tuesday and be in a miserable mood Wednesday and Thursday. She invited Judy to walk with her and guided her through some of the areas she liked. Photo 3 is Judy’s drawing and the wood carving that inspired it and photo 4 is Judy and Nancy sharing high tea at our hotel. 

I like Judy’s drawing of the wood carving - and the expression on the little creature’s face reminds me of Munch’s The Scream, which is how I felt a good part of Wednesday and Thursday.  (Although I did not visit the Love and Angst exhibit at the British Museum Thursday, as many tour mates did because angst/death-wish was stronger for me than love/adventure.)

Wednesday we flew from Vienna to London and it was interesting and fun to fly as part of a group. I especially enjoyed going through the customs line, with all the switchbacks, and running into familiar faces again and again. The collage is photo 5 is an attempt to convey the fun and humor of going through a line and rediscovering tour mates. 

Friday we had our closing session. We sat in a circle at the Freud museum and said our goodbyes and thank yous. This was extraordinarily moving. The bonds that formed within the group, the sense of warmth and kindness and inclusion (particularly stressed by people who had come to the group not knowing many others) were precious to many of us. Many were moved by the places and the way the connection between the lectures and the places deepened the experience of both. 

We had the special good fortune of having our farewell dinner at the Freud museum. Not only was the place special, and the experience of ending our tour where Freud ended his life, but the dinner was the best group dinner of the trip. Really a treat. And the conversation at my particular table involved sharing very intimately and vulnerably, with tears and really powerful contact, and I found it a moving way to complete the tour. 

I found myself deeply moved - as I was the first time in 1986 - by being in Freud’s London consulting room in the presence of his desk, chair, couch and collection of antiquities. Photo 6 shows Chris and me there Friday night. 

Earlier Friday Renee, Kiki and Ben, along with Renee’s longtime actor friend Stephen had the chance to do filming in Freud’s consulting room. Renee and Stephen recreated a scene from HD’s memoir of her analysis with Freud in which Freud shows HD his little Athena. Stephen in his costume and makeup bore an uncanny resemblance to Freud. I have collaged a photo of Freud and one of Stephen in photo 7. The photo of Freud at his desk was in the room where our group said our goodbyes. I had a sense of him gazing out of the past and the photo at me and the present. It was a goosebumpy feeling of how the past lives on in the present. 

I’m going to stop here. I want to write about our visit to the Wolseley on Friday (where I broke my sugar fast to celebrate Chris’s memory of her encounter with Lucian Freud there, and treated myself to a dessert called the Lucian). And of course our journey from London to the Lake District and our walk in this beautiful countryside. But for now, let us let this be enough. 

Thank you for bearing with me and walking through my sometimes chaotic memories and reflections with me. I am gazing out the window here in our cottage in the Lake District at a cloudy and darkening sky. I am feeling at this moment grateful for all kinds of weather - and all kinds of blog posts. 

Thank you for walking with me. Tomorrow I will write about our hike around Derwentwater, and I hope tomorrow we will take another beautiful walk. 

See you on the trail.